A Week in Rose City
In October of 2021, I made a blog post about wanting to share new projects and life changes. 2022 has proven itself a busy year already as life hasn’t slowed down since January! (This is my first blog post of 2022! In April!) Since October, I started a new job at a public library and grad school for a Master’s of Library and Information Science. Since January, I officially launched my photography business, post monthly song covers, and try to stay balanced as a a part-time librarian, part-time higher ed staff, and full-time cat mom. In May, I will move into an apartment with my best friend which I am excited about as I’ve lived on my own the past 6 years. (Basically, I have blessings to share, but I’ve been too busy living them to post!)
For the past seven months, I was finding my footing at my new part-time position working at Lawrence Public Library as an IMLS Intern. Lawrence Public Library acquired a grant to send two interns to library school at Emporia State University! I am grateful for this opportunity as I always thought a Master’s Degree was out of my reach. More importantly, librarianship pairs my two favorite things: knowledge and helping all kinds of people. Some of my favorite writers were librarians, for example, Audre Lorde, whose quote I used to spearhead my first book display on Collective Liberation:
My first book display: “Caring for the Self & the Community” - Books on Self-Care and Collective Liberation curated from the collection at Lawrence Public Library in Lawrence, KS.
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” - Audre Lorde
Practicing with my new camera lens after the first day of the Public Library Association 2022 Conference in the Portland, OR Japanese Garden
While I was excited to start grad school, I also felt a lot of impending stress and imposter syndrome during the end of 2021. I confronted those fears, asking, “Why?” I realize, looking back, it is the same reason why some of my peers took a break from or decided to forego a Bachelor’s Degree entirely: For several American college students, our first Bachelor’s Degree is paired with trauma from fighting for survival.
During undergrad, I found myself feeling out of place and unable to maintain meaningful connections with students and instructors alike. While this feeling is probably a typical experience, it was paired with the understanding that a lot of my inability to connect came from trying to meet basic needs for survival. I did not take out student loans until my last semester of college and, seeing how the leaders of our country are treating the severe issue of student debt with no resolve, I stand by my choice. I worked 60 or more hours a week as a full-time student to hopefully make repayment easier on later-20’s me (although it was absolute hell for early-20’s me.) However, this choice came with the cost of dragging my feet through the college experience and five years of my life (yes, five—going to a community college ruined everything lol) instead of enjoying an enriching experience. I look back at my favorite college experiences like participating in a musical during my second semester as a transfer student or taking a photography class during my final semester of undergrad and thinking, “these are my people”—People who want to continually push creativity!
Images taken at the Portland, OR Japanese Garden.
© F&B PHOTOGRAPHY
I think on how I wish I could have had more of these experiences during my first round of college but how working 60 or more hours a week, completing classwork at 4am, and living alone since 18 was a collective pressure that I am not surprised I could not balance with nurturing strong, worthwhile connections. Much of my undergrad was lived in a haze, kicking off the experience at a community college that was not right for me in any capacity. I wish I took the leap to attend a university rather than stomach a community college that was not the right fit, however, all experiences develop us into the person we become and, had I not went through two years of sleepwalking through my life and feeling so unsatisfied, unchallenged, and disconnected, I may not have had the hunger to push myself out of my comfort zone when I finally got to a university. This and other life tests I take as reminders to not “play it safe.” I cannot change the past.
My cohort Kihana & I captured taking selfies in the Portland, OR Japanese Garden by our supervisor Frankie
What I can do is welcome the present! To work in a library is a fresh breath of air—a chance to connect and create. There was a lack of creative communities at the community college I attended and, once I was finally attending a university that offered more opportunities, my resources were depleted. There is an unfortunate “right place, wrong time” feeling when I look back on my undergraduate experience after transferring into and college that was a good fit. Now, there is an overwhelming feeling of “right place, right time.” I wanted to work at Lawrence Public Library since I moved to Lawrence! Life blessings are a matter timing. Good things will come to you, just maybe not when you hope.
I am constantly trying to soak up as much information and viewpoints as possible, analyzing and critiquing and understanding. There’s no better place to do that than a library and in library school! My experience with graduate school is more relaxed than undergrad. First off, I’m in an online program which makes the educational commitment more manageable with my already full schedule of two part-time jobs, running a photo business, and still trying to create in-between. Secondly, the due dates are more reasonable in grad school, acknowledging your schedule is busy to support yourself. I hope college for undergraduates adapts into a similar model. Lastly, I have a sense of community with other Lawrence Public Library employees in the program. It’s nice to feel connected to other students in my degree pathway—a first for me.
After reflecting on the shadows in life as well as the whispers of hope, I came out of my fear, revitalized by the blessings of this experience. Before working at the library and my alma mater, I was working at a job where the supervisors did not allow lunch breaks and a culture of racial microaggressions and sexual harassment was normalized. I found myself wishing I could just have a Black woman for a supervisor! Or at least a supervisor who understood the importance of providing a safe environment for all of their employees. Now, I not only have a Mixed Black woman for a supervisor but also as my cohort. (Again, life is all in the timing!)
Powell’s Books - The World's Largest Independent Bookstore
Along with my first semester of graduate school (nearly!) under my belt, I also attended one of two conferences I will attend through the library this year. I learned so much at the Public Library Association 2022 Conference but a notable common thread I noticed in the programs I attended was the importance of representation verses optics in terms of diversity.
While on the trip, I had an epiphany that although I now work with two other Mixed Black woman—in a group where I may belong in terms of identity—I still differ in terms of my upbringing. I value a down-home way of life gained from living a country small-town for 18 years, however, I also value the importance of advocating for social justice for all. I was reminded that, no matter the social circle, a person cannot escape statements hoping to push social change—or a particular hope for the world unique to the individual—that have good intent but can still leave a bad taste in your mouth due to how the belief is explained. I’m sure I sound juvenile to people with high credentials, but at the end of the day, I just want everyone in the world to have safety and happiness. At the end of the day, I just want us all to have the possibility of an enjoyable life. At the end of the day, I just want everyone to have an opportunity to explore a city for the first time—a brief relief from 9-to-5’s—and get drunk and eat a donut.
But I am proud to be from a small-town. I am proud to have the skillset and patience to interact with all walks of life—even those with views that differ from my own. I am proud to exist and fluctuate between different circles, leading with an open heart and mind. I continue to believe that most people in this world have good intentions but simply need more patience and grace paired with honest work of packing biases and unlearning ideologies pushed by propaganda and stereotypes.
After feeling overwhelmed by “woke culture” (which I used to identify with but am now wary of due to misinformation and disinformation through social media as well as the frequent performance activism found in these spaces), I was able to unwind at a concert. I felt sick for the first half—my mind still spinning and stomach turning from double consciousness (term originally coined by W.E.B. DuBois) as well as the “woke” talk—but by the end felt better. Music is truly healing. I was more at ease after hearing the beauty of simplicity in an Arlo Parks track:
You're not alone like you think you are
You're not alone like you think you are
We all have scars, I know it's hard
You're not alone, you're not alone
- “Hope” - Arlo Parks
Arlo Parks & Clairo - Schnitzer Concert Hall
Life is continual growing pains. I acknowledge the ebb and flow of life, a cycle—constantly reevaluating where you fit in and how we can ensure everyone feels like they belong. We won’t get along with everyone, but we can at least not make harder for each other. I remain hopeful in a world where, from speaking with others recently, it seems there is a lot of helplessness. Perhaps because we collectively forgot “play.” There came a time after the thick of Covid-19, after taking myself and life seriously for so long, that I released the mindset of unnecessary pressure to welcome play. Of course there is trauma, but there is so much joy to discover out there if we only allow ourselves to search. There’s a reason we enjoyed hide and seek so much as children. There is fulfillment in finding and being found. Find your joy—and if you can’t find it, make it.
Whew, that’s my life update—and a few photos from my first work trip of the year! Here’s to my photography work trip coming up in JUST TWO DAYS! (F&B Photography will photograph our FIRST WEDDING!) Here’s to another library conference to come later this year in October! Here’s to continuing to believe in good things to come! Life can get heavy, but it’s worth fighting to the other side. I hope you get drunk and eat a doughnut soon.
All love, all the time,
-KJC
